It’s a statement of fact that our country has been getting fatter and fatter over the past few decades and that all that fatness directly impacts our
collective pocket books in the form of higher medical costs and lower productivity. Yes, it’s true: fat people get sick more often and generally don’t work as efficiently due to all their excessive heaving and sweating.
Before all you fatties send me your hate mail, please keep in mind that I use to be border-line morbidly obese. My Body Mass Index was probably double my age and my blood pressure and cholesterol levels were that of a competitive eater. I had a large drum of Advil sitting on my desk to help me control nagging daily headaches that were probably caused by my plaque-ridden arteries bulging to near-breaking point. I visited the doctor’s office so often that the front-desk and nursing staff new me by my first name. I was like fucking Norm’s at a Kaiser Permanente version of Cheer’s.
After seeing disgusting photos of myself at a birthday party, I decided to do something about my fatness and have managed to lose over 70 lbs over the past few years. I’m now fit to the point that I can comfortably make fun of fat people, which brings me back to the point of this post: fat fucking employees. Specifically,
fat fucking employees at my company. We have many of them. In fact, I’d say that the majority of our employees can be classified as fat bastards. They’re walking heart attacks who, while providing me with great entertainment value, are costing me a fortune in higher company health insurance premiums.
The irony is that many of these employees are die-hard right-winger types who like to blame higher medical costs on illegals, a Socialist takeover of our medical system, and whatever else they may have heard on Fox News. No, it can’t possibly be their size 40 pants and weekly refills of blood-thinner medication. And it’s definitely not the monster-sized breakfasts these fat fucks order up at the company cafeteria. While it’s true that most health experts suggest that one should eat a daily breakfast, I don’t think they had in mind the colossal calorie bombs that our employees manage to scarf down every morning.
So what exactly are these sea cows ordering? On a recent trip to the cafeteria, I witnessed a swollen-bellied gentleman who looked like he was with child, order the following:
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Three eggs
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Three strips of bacon
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Three sausage patties (cause the three strips of bacon was just not enough pork)
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Large scoop of corned beef hash
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Large scoop of hash browns
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Two biscuits
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All smothered with gravy ("smother" was his exact instructions)
That was a single order just for him. He actually got slightly peeved at the server for not sufficiently "smothering" enough gravy on the meats. I think MY arteries got clogged just standing there. I decided to figure out how many calories was in his breakfast. Here is the breakdown based on the caloric information I got from
CalorieKing:
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Three eggs: 276 calories
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Three strips of bacon: 183 calories
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Three sausage patties: 510 calories
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Large scoop of corned beef hash: 440 calories
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Large scoop of hash browns: 420 calories
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Two biscuits: 520 calories
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Smothering of gravy: Let’s just say 500 calories but it was probably more
So in total this chub-a-tub consumed almost 3000 calories before most people have taken their mid-morning shits in the office. And trust me, this guy isn’t the exception. Based on my daily observation of the office wildebeests’ eating habits, 2000 to 3000 calorie breakfasts are quite the norm.
As Chief Mockery Officer, I cannot let this continue. It’s one thing if I have to pay higher medical costs for my own hedonistic ways, but I’ll be damned if I have to take my hard-earned money (stop snickering, being CMO can be hard work) and use it to make sure some pork-snorting moo-shoo lives another year. That is why I’ve delegated mockery powers to Guillermo and the rest of the cafeteria staff. They will have the authority to refuse fulfilling certain food orders if they deem that the employee placing the order is just too fucking fat. For example, if the employee above tries ordering a similar breakfast in the future, Guillermo is able to tell him, “No pork fat and gravy for you!”, and force him to go get some fruit and yogurt instead. I have also secured budget from the executive committee to hire additional security guards in the event employees go on a pork-lust rampage.
I guarantee you our company's healthcare costs will start to decline.
(Photos above are not of me when I was fat or the real Guillermo)
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